For his birthday Little Dave asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000, and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Dave heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?
Little Dave told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f *** ing bike!"
Post your jokes here
Moderators: fac51, 117, arfur, vinnieza
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
Think we've seen most 'o these before, but there's a coupla new ones i think:
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
13. What do people in China call their good plates?
14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
16. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
17. What do you call male ballerinas?
18. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?
20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him,is he still wrong?
24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your arse?
27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
fink we've some of these too but anyway:
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
---
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
---
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
---
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
---
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
---
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
---
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
---
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
---
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
---
10. Is there another word for synonym?
---
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
---
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
---
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
---
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
---
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
---
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
---
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
---
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
---
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
--
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
---
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
---
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
---
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
---
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
---
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
---
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
---
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
---
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
---
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
---
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
---
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
---
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
---
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
---
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
---
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
---
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
---
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
---
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
---
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
---
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
---
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
---
10. Is there another word for synonym?
---
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
---
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
---
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
---
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
---
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
---
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
---
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
---
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
---
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
--
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
---
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
---
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
---
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
---
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
---
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?
---
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
---
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
---
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
---
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
---
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
---
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
---
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
---
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?
-
Caveman.
What follows is a superb example of British humor in a letter that was
truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things: 1) Americans and
Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable
and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.) and 2) The
Brits appear to get a better education than most, enabling them to write
some fine letters of complaint.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties --or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools-such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
internet servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your
no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I
will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering
machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred
to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.
And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of
the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will be replaced by
derision, even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
truly written and sent. The piece suggests two things: 1) Americans and
Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable
and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain.) and 2) The
Brits appear to get a better education than most, enabling them to write
some fine letters of complaint.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties --or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I
alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools-such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not
arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six
weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
internet servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your
no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and
someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I
will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering
machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred
to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.
And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was sh*t; that they had attained the holy p*ss-pot
of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of
the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will be replaced by
derision, even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
i was bored, so:
A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman?s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until the point were he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think your doing". "I?ve changed my mind I?m going to drown the bastard"!!!
______________________________
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
_________________________
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
_______________________
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room.The doctor there told him, ?Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.?
?But I don't have the fingers!?
?What! You don't have the fingers!?? said the doctor, ?You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.?
?But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.?
_____________________
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
_______________________
A guy went to a whore-house for some head. But when he got it, he didn't use a condom, and he cummed in the prostitutes mouth.
She gargles it, then she spits it in a bucket.
"Don't like to swallow it, eh?" asks the man.
"Actually," says the slut, "me and another girl have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets t drink both of them
_____________________-----
Once upon a time two penniless bums stood on the street corner. "Boy," one of them said, "I'm Thirsty."
The second bum was looking through the trash. "Look what I found," he said, "a hotdog."
"That gives me an idea," said the first bum. "Lets go to a bar, order drinks, and when the bartender asks us for money, I'll stick the hotdog out my zipper, and you'll suck it."
"Thats not gonna work," says the second bum.
They went to the bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for money, the first bum stuck the hotdog out of his zipper, and the second bum starting sucking it.
"Get out of here you ******* faggets," says the bartender.
After about ten bars, the second bum said to the first bum, "My knees are getting sore, how about giving me the hotdog for a while?"
"That old thing?" says the first bum,"I lost that 7 bars ago."
_________________
Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved
them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a
girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry,
he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will
never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme
sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly
thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had
to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk
home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They
were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had
three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him,
exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner
tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table.
He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she
returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten
eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming
on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This
was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made
a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow
his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again
fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the
end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife
returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured
her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise --
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday
party!
____________________
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best
cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him
to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
____________________
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
___________
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in
my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
________________
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
___________________
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years.
On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign
and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He
rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he
didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied,
"She choked."
__________________
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
A couple was making love outdoors when suddenly a bee flies into the woman?s vagina. They go to the hospital were the doctor say "mmm, well with both your permission I could put some honey on the tip of my penis and try to lure him out". So the doctor puts some honey on the tip of his penis and starts to gently push it in and out of the vagina. He started pushing harder and harder up until the point were he started ramming his penis up her vagina. The boyfriend said, "What the hell do you think your doing". "I?ve changed my mind I?m going to drown the bastard"!!!
______________________________
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
_________________________
These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.
He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."
And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"
_______________________
A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room.The doctor there told him, ?Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do'.?
?But I don't have the fingers!?
?What! You don't have the fingers!?? said the doctor, ?You should have brought them to me. We have all kinds of operations we could have done like microsugery and stuff. We could have put them back as good as new.?
?But Doc, I couldn't pick them up.?
_____________________
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
_______________________
A guy went to a whore-house for some head. But when he got it, he didn't use a condom, and he cummed in the prostitutes mouth.
She gargles it, then she spits it in a bucket.
"Don't like to swallow it, eh?" asks the man.
"Actually," says the slut, "me and another girl have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets t drink both of them
_____________________-----
Once upon a time two penniless bums stood on the street corner. "Boy," one of them said, "I'm Thirsty."
The second bum was looking through the trash. "Look what I found," he said, "a hotdog."
"That gives me an idea," said the first bum. "Lets go to a bar, order drinks, and when the bartender asks us for money, I'll stick the hotdog out my zipper, and you'll suck it."
"Thats not gonna work," says the second bum.
They went to the bar and ordered drinks. When the bartender asked for money, the first bum stuck the hotdog out of his zipper, and the second bum starting sucking it.
"Get out of here you ******* faggets," says the bartender.
After about ten bars, the second bum said to the first bum, "My knees are getting sore, how about giving me the hotdog for a while?"
"That old thing?" says the first bum,"I lost that 7 bars ago."
_________________
Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved
them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a
girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry,
he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will
never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme
sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly
thereafter.
Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had
to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called
his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk
home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They
were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had
three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home he had gas.
His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him,
exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner
tonight!"
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table.
He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she
returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten
eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming
on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This
was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made
a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow
his wife didn't hear him.
While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again
fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the
end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife
returned.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured
her that he had not.
At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise --
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday
party!
____________________
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best
cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him
to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John
explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
____________________
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City
building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator,
smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says
arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also
very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an
ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks
both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound.
___________
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said,
"Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in
my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat
them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
________________
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
___________________
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for
several years.
On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign
and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.
The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He
rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a
real breakthrough.
The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he
didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out
about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is
dead. The doctor asked what happened, to which the man replied,
"She choked."
__________________
City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me
that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards
my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends
encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one
thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini
skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near
me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to
be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me
that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up
and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up
the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and
went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards
my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to
the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
here's another one:
Once upon a time there was a female
brain cell who accidentally ended up
in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it
was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a
little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to
feel alone and scared and
yelled at the top of her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from
far, far away...
"We're down here!"
-
117
- Lowly Janitor Guru
- Posts: 12548
- Joined: Sat Jun 14, 2003 12:23 pm
- Location: a destination a little up the road
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may easily be
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) Try Saying: I think you could use more training
Instead Of: You don't know what the **** you're doing.
2) Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the **** do you expect me to do this?
4) Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: No ******* way.
5) Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've got to be shitting me!
6) Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project
Instead Of: It's not my ******* problem.
Try Saying: That's interesting
Instead Of: What the ****?
9) Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented
Instead Of: This shit won't work.
10) Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that
Instead Of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his ass.
12) Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Eat shit and die.
13) Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead Of: Kiss my ass.
14) Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment
Instead Of: **** it, I'm on salary.
15) Try Saying: I don't think you understand
Instead Of: Shove it up your ass.
16) Try Saying: I love a challenge
Instead Of: This job sucks.
17) Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) Try Saying: I See
Instead Of: Blow me.
19) Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive
Instead Of: He's a prick.
We feel this will lead to a happier, healthier work environment for
everyone!
Thank You,
Human Resources
8.3
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may easily be
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do,
however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so
that proper exchange ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner.
1) Try Saying: I think you could use more training
Instead Of: You don't know what the **** you're doing.
2) Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of: She's a ball-busting bitch.
3) Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the **** do you expect me to do this?
4) Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: No ******* way.
5) Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: You've got to be shitting me!
6) Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a shit.
7) Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project
Instead Of: It's not my ******* problem.
Try Saying: That's interesting
Instead Of: What the ****?
9) Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented
Instead Of: This shit won't work.
10) Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that
Instead Of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
11) Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his ass.
12) Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Eat shit and die.
13) Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it?
Instead Of: Kiss my ass.
14) Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment
Instead Of: **** it, I'm on salary.
15) Try Saying: I don't think you understand
Instead Of: Shove it up your ass.
16) Try Saying: I love a challenge
Instead Of: This job sucks.
17) Try Saying: You want me to take care of that?
Instead Of: Who the hell died and made you boss?
18) Try Saying: I See
Instead Of: Blow me.
19) Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive
Instead Of: He's a prick.
We feel this will lead to a happier, healthier work environment for
everyone!
Thank You,
Human Resources
8.3